Staind glass


In a myriad of Colors shapes and sizes,
A complete mess from upclose it is,
No one get its, none can see,
Is all that seems so eternally fit .

Lest do they realise a step back they need take
Or a step closer dared... The oh so few,
For in all its chaos there lies but one,
Clean and clear for one to peer.

A moment lapse in time and space
An opportunity of clarity
A periscope into the forgotten
Off a beaten path on which none has trodden.

That graceful image... Oh so familiar
A wry smile and an almost tear,
Of a memory that's held forbidden dear,
Of a heart walled in a chasms dark.

To no ones knowledge it breaches the surface,
To no ones care it fades away,
Like beam light in darkest place
It fades away once it's shown the way.

My Routine

In a few days I'm turning 34. Another birthday is almost at hand and i'm here thinking about my life and analyzing it. What's good that should stay and what's bad that needs to go.

Before I go on with my decision a little context to this predicament.
A partner is someone who's there for you, for better or worse. A soulmate is someone who essentially brings out the best of you at all times in happiness or sadness. Always encouraging you but also constantly trying to themselves improve. Accepting challenges and learning and growing together. Not someone who chooses to get left behind while everything else progresses.

In a prelude to my birthday you've chosen to just ignore me and pretend I don't exist 4 days and not a message or call to see if I was alive. But it's no surprise. I have had a broken leg for almost a month now and have only seen you 3 times. You being so busy running your multi million dollar business you don't own or profit from. We are all the choices we make.

I now choose not to see you on my birthday if I have some hope of being happy then it must be spent without you as you have clearly chosen on so many occasions before. I'm hurt but I'm no longer surprised. Simply because you chose to do everything wrong. Of course the burden you bear of your enormous pride is completely at fault here you will not learn this lesson as soon as I as hoping. In fact it has become apparent you may never learn this lesson.

I cannot hold on to this lie any longer. It's been over for a long time. And it makes no sense in lying to myself any longer So it's at this junction i decide that moving on is in  both our best interest although it pains me to see you put everything else but me as a priority I must now do the same. 

Why make someone a priority when your just an option to them. 

I love you but this is goodbye. 

It's over...

I known now that it is finally over, the words have been said and the blow has been dealt. Suffice to say the relationship is over and the pain of recovery begins. Do I have the mental capacity to get over this, most likely. Do I have the emotional capacity to get over this. Not nearly. Who's going to keep the streets empty for me?

Little minds

Is it change that you toy with or consistency that you struggle with, had I not known you better I'd have given you the benefit of the doubt and gone with the first option. But I know you and Your ways all to well. So I bid you caution in your current route for it will end up with us Estranged if it has'nt already come to that. It's like when you keep the best of me close by and the worst of me far away, without considering we're both one and The same. I have caught on and if I had ever thought that talking to you would resolve anything then I would have done so, so years ago. My peace, my relief, my solace, lies in pen on paper and no longer you.

In the end it doesn't matter.

That a blog proves easier to talk to than a partner, it's sad to think that I never fail to realize that I've come back here on so many occasion to find peace within.


August 05 2010. - April 18 2012 it's been 1 year, 8 months and 14 days since I last saw the need to talk to myself. Assuming no one reads this blog anymore i feel it's the only place left where I can speak my mind in all honesty. However brutal it maybe I accept I learn and I move on. Which is a lot more than I can say for anyone else.

I have always prided myself in believing I can communicate with anyone, sadly that's all too good to be true, arrogance mixed in well with ignorance has but proved me wrong yet again. The real worry though is that it's has done so through the same person yet again. which means that I have made a journey through peril only to be back at the same place I started. At this point it doesn't seem like all is lost. It's been lost
A Long time ago putting me In denial of what has happened again. Doesn't re-assure me of anything other than when dealing with not so intelligent people you need to prepare for not so intelligent outcomes.

Example :01

Pushing and pushing so hard and frustratingly to apply for a HDB so she can move out from where she's staying, and then acting in the opposite manner when you get what you asked for doesn't exactly give anyone ( even a retard ) confidence in your timely choice of words.
Apologizing an then prioritizing your MLM over the signing of the lease also kills confidence. Priorities show people what's more important to you than buyin that new house. ! Money/ your multi level marketing seminar. ( wow I'm so confident that our relationship is going to stand the test of time)

Example :02

Going for holidays overseas and spending 1.3k on birthday parties Instead of trying to save every penny.

I could go on and on but it's pointless, simply because you set such high expectations of me but then you, behave in the exact opposite way.

Surprise surprise...

It's been 3 years and 8 months since I last posted something here, so you Can imagine my surprise to see everything still here and intact...
It's been a wild ride so far and now the time has come to leave the chaos of the relationship I've been in and return to the introvert I once was... Boy....!!!! Things were so much easier then, can't imagine what I Was thinking, only I'm looking forward to the trip to the states that's happening end if this month... Then back to the life I knew of fun filled times with friends and family, maybe I'm not boyfriend material, maybe I am... It just seems that there's an askwed sense compromissing here it's either her way or my way and either way it comes with a shit load of unecessary attitude.... From her of course, just like in school when were kids.... But I mean like what the he'll right aren't we all a bit to old for that crap now...

It's been a while

yup it has.. been really busy with training for Ironman... thats' mostly it.. will be leaving this wednesday morning for Perth and by monday i hopefully would have completed my first ironman... Whoa...!!! alot on my mind now so it really hasn't sunk in yet.. am i prepared for it.. i'd like to think so. wish me luck..

??

bleah.....!

...

it's been a long week... and weekend. was really sick the whole of saturday, till i couldn't stand it.. then dragged myself out of bed and to the hospital.. spent the whole night there in the A&e with my mom in the waiting room. really bad case of food poisoning.. am on mc for mon and tues. went for Jj's wake on friday night. Gordon's body still hasn't been found, it's really sad that you're here today and gone tomorrow, in a blink of an eye.the rest of my collegues are still in shock as well. i guess given the circumstances anyone else would be as well.

NUTz

this is a little back dated but hey... who gives a shit yeah...hahaha
i finished the half iron man in desaru on the 9th of this month... did it in 6 : 11 : 11 .
and i survived.. it was a 2 kilometer swim a 90 kilometer Ride And my favourite... 21 kilometer RUN.. oh and it was blisstering hot..that day... almost ended up as stir fry... well now that that's in the bag and i have rested the whole of last week. i can now start trainning for the full iron man in Western Australia.... What a NUT!!!
half iron full iron... i'm sure you can handle the math... at least... hmmm.

push my button.

have you seen the new music video Buttons - snoop dogg & pussy cat dolls....man they're a group of fine looking feline's

Happiness/ Memoirs of a feeling"Part...whose counting anyway".

my head is a mess,
i've cleaned and cleaned only to find a whole new carpet
i asked myself today if happiness is a journey or a destination?
frankly i was stummped i thought long and hard on why I felt like it should be a destination and not a journey but then i got sidetracked and common sense took the wheel.
good thing for common sense.
If happiness is a destination i might be a few hundred years old before i get there but if i have a little happiness on my way to where ever i'm going, i don't see how that couldn't work out.
it could be cummalative this way i may have enough of it to take me through the rough patches
Everything seems acceptable or at least tolerable right now family,friends,work.
everything except my unicorn, the one thing that eludes me even when i'm not chasing it.
I feel like a lab rat at times at the very mercy of my maker, i'm not expressing discontent with my maker i'm just simply exhausted.;


MEMOIRS

The bar has been set by your kiss,
and i've spent years searching,
sadly i haven't come as close,
it's not strange that this journey has led me back to your door,
it is funny that the whole situation seems like a re-run.
with that innevitable ending.
still i press on to find some small measure of peace,
that we all seek and few of us ever find.

Backbreaker

went for a run to test drive my new shoes today... didn't go too well, firstly i had to carry a camel bak because the distance i was planning to cover was ridiculous. secondly i didn't have a proper bag to carry this 3 litre bladder so i used a bag i had
that was a mistake. after about 15 km my back couldn't take the pain so i stopped, was feeling really good about the run though!
i stopped because this bag of mine managed to give me abbrasions on both my shoulder blades, and after it scrapped through on both sides and mixed with my sweat it hurt like hell... so i called it quits. took a cab home from bishan.... :)
nevertheless these new shoes are worth every cent.
thanks to duane's recommendation.

well it has been quite a week... i should be sleeping now but since that was impossible to do i'm here
1. was feeling like shit still today(monday) cos i was still recovering from a very bad spate of whatever the hell i had... went for a long ride.... it helped
2. the ride helped and was feeling stronger... still not invincible though!!! went for my swimming lessons(tuesday)
3decided to run (wed)today... long ...really long but slow...!!! (Ran)went to the following palces.. from my house to yio chu kang road, thomson road, cycle workx ( my bike shop) ( had to buy power gel and refill camel bak ) then towards bishan past braddel heights, past bishan onto upper serangoon road then all the way down to nativity church, then the usual way back!!! took 2hrs 24 mins!!! i call this route the "Are you Fucking Mad Route"
4. (thu)went cycling to measure the route i ran it was a whopping 24 km !!! Shit man it sure as hell felt like a lot more!!! felt like kena bluff by sales man....!

Where'd you go?

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,
"I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,And,
I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing

"Where'd you go?
"I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbecue up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Halloween with candy by the pile,
But now, you only stop by every once and a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find that you have something to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing

"Where'd you go?
"I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin',
no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it...

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...

THe BUzz IS

In my head.. went to church this morning with a hang over... only thing is i haven't had alcohol in a week or so at least.!!! the medication i'm on now leaves me with quite the buzz after consumption! was stonning in mass and after that... hell i'm still stonning gonna have lunch in a bit then gotta take them meds again... *SMILES* more LiKe *GRINS*

was really sick this whole week... i know it's mostly because of over exertion but who the hell cares right.... yeah untill it hits you then you do...!! so i've been taking it really slow

happened on tuesday after my swimming lessons, i knew i hadn't had enough of rest and was on my way home to shift some furniture out and in!!! even with the two bangladeshi guys i paid to help me it was still quite the task.!! from there in was just down hill... till i finally decided to see a doctor... got a shit load of medicine and almost got ventollin as well... but said i didn't want it...!!!
which seemed rather strange to the doc...

been behaving really well with taking all the meds... so it's no wonder i'm starting to feel better... give it another day at least to be figthing fit... then i can head back into training... osim is just around the corner!

Holding it in!!

Went for dinner and drinks (beer) on saturday then went to watch mission impossible III . Lesson learnt... drinking before a movie is not such a bad idea... if the seats in the cinema came with it's own bed pan !!!

Doctor whaT???

HAd a Really bad morning after my really good swim today,
The problem is i have a really sensitive nose... and when ever i spend too much time in the water i catch a runny nose, it doesn't stop till i take medication for it!! so here i am at the doctor and i'm waiting to go in and it's like any other time!!! i've been seeing this doctor now for the last5 years atleast... on and off ( it's a rotation between two other doctors as well ) ( But this guy is the primary) I tell him that i went swimming yada yada yada...And then he tells me to stop swimming ! if swimming aggravates my sinus then stop swimming, a person won't die if he doesn't take part in tri-athlons!!! i stared at him blankly!!! i didn't say anything... but i knew one thing was for sure!!! That it was time to look for a new doctor...!!! Sorry doc you screwed up big time!!!
As for the swim, it's part of a trainning schedule... here's what i did in the pool this morning, it's all in meters
200 warm up, 200 kicks, 200 pulls, 200 normals, 1 x 1000 Main and followed by warm down 200 slow!!!
so in total i did 2000 meters this morning that's like 40 laps!!!
so EXcuuuuuuse Me !!! IF Quiting IS not a VIABLE option to me!!!

To Boo Boo Or not To Boo BOo

I just finished watching the bourne Identity was a really good show.. one of my all time favourites, along with it's followed counterpart The bourne Supremacy...

But here's a boo boo made by the sponsor's for tonights show ( Carlsberg)
Jason bourne has dinner with the girl , and her friend with the two kids in the house!!! and he picks up a beer to drink!!! ANd you can see it as clear as day. it's a Heineken...

Tsk Tsk!!!

A Weekend with Wholsome Berg

Saturday 18th of march

It started on after a whole lot of questions to and from Richie our event booker come organizer, we and Robyn picked the vehicle up at around 12ish then headed to pick up the rest of the Geng!! Which includes Gregg, Rishi and Damien plus me Robin and Richie the 6 of us bergs .we had lunch at Newton circus then made our way towards Tuas? We decided that would be a good point to enter…seeing to how I only knew the way from there… So yeah…!!!

Our first pit stop we armed ourselves with cigarettes and drinks then headed down the North South Highway.. With me laughing and laughing, the jokes ranged from everything to anything to do with anything. Including the choices of music for this Drive/road trip. we made a few more stops then. Pee stops, smoke stops, Richie totally missed Malacca… for what ever reason but that was funny too….And he missed it while we were low on petrol… wasn’t funny but we laughed anyway…

When we finally got there I went walking around to the shops near by to see if I could find the STAR, it’s a local newspaper and my cousin told me there was a map we could use in it… After discreetly checking in (I Don’t think they’d allow 6 people to stay together in one room) to one king size bed and a single bed in a room. We started taking showers, because it was already 6ish and we were hungry too. While waiting to shower Gregg takes out this huge ass inflatable mattress for two and says OH SHIT!!! Well he forgot to bring the pump. So we spent sometime filling up that mattress…with the hairdryer… *Grins* yup… It worked… after a small fire that is…

Finally got ready and left…decided to have dinner first… So we had it at the hawker center next to the hotel… Then drove to KLIA getting out of the car… was when it hit me… we were finally there… hearing the music from like six hundred meters away… still sounded solid.. We partied had a few beers… which finished before 11.. Yup they ran out beer
Yeah can you believe that…??? Jess was solid too… when she sang... when it was over we went for supper where we were surprised black sauce seemed to have been on offer that day…everything we ordered had black sauce in it… for hor fun to eee min …
Weird..

Got back then went to sleep for the ride home the next morning…

Finally woke up and started to get ready to leave once we were finally done cat woman was on TV… The leather suit was rather distracting.. Took a while till we were really really done.. Went down to check out then finally went to the mpv.. . For the next surprise

Our rear right tire was flat... totally flat... it wasn't a complete puncture there was still air in it..but it was just too little... too little to drive back to singapore... so we drove around looking for a tire shop..finally found one then got scared cas we thought it was gona cost a bomb ...it didn't ..was like five bucks... no wait...ringgit..!!! after a hearty lunch at NAndo's this chicken restaurant..we drove back... our last leg of the trip...

We stopped at permas jaya...and went go karting... that was a real riot by far... tehn we had another hearty seafood dinner.. ate till i almost popped... shit man it only cost us like eight dollars each.. hahaha now that's what i call a meal...!!! then headed home... well at least that was the plan ended up satisfying our insastiable need for milkshake.. you... ended up at lido makkers havin a milkshake...was the cherry on top... of a very eventful day...
Well post mortem... Say that that was a road trip for the books... the good books of course..